Those Late Night Thoughts... Trigger Warning

Sometimes I wonder... why did I have to go through the things that I did?
These are my 2 am thoughts. 6/8/19

Life.
Life after domestic violence is crazy. Did I forgive him? Yes. Should I have done that? Honestly I do not know the answer to that. Everyone who had been though a toxic and abusive relationship each have different experiences but that does not make each experience any less than the next. I read blogs, I watch vlogs, and I read peoples experiences and sit there and wonder if my story is even worth sharing. I never ended up in the hospital. Just with so many mental problems that I have honestly not talked about with anyone. Not even doctors. I mean its been almost 2 years since I left.

I am a survivor.
Not everyone knows those night when I wondered if I would wake up the next morning. No one knew about those night when I hoped I did not have to wake up in the morning. People saw me happy. They saw my face covered with makeup. Friends and family saw me in pants in the summer not knowing there was bruises underneath. Back then I was not strong. I did not leave, I mean why would I? I was in love. Love. 

I should have known what love was. I loved my parents, I loved my siblings, and I loved my pets. So why did I confuse this love? Why did I really believe each time I got told sorry. I ended up having 2 and now 3 kids and have learned what love is. Love is doing everything you can for that person no matter what happens to yourself and keep them safe. I love my kids deeply and would give my life for them. This is were I confused it back then, of course I would give everything for him but he did not keep me safe. That is where there was a lack of love.

Even when I look back today I realize I am a survivor. I may have not ended up in the hospital but there were days where I felt so low and sore I wanted to end it all. There were times when I was scared the beating would not stop. I am a survivor and I will not feel embarrassed by my story anymore.

Aftermath. 
All I can say is that it has been a very long road after getting out of an abusive relationship. I have lost many friendships with people who did not believe me or people who blamed me. I will not say I have been perfect but nothing is a reason to endure what I did. I have had some amazing people stay in my life and for that I am grateful. I thank all the family and help I had when I moved and got my own place and job. I am thankful for all the love I have found in a new relationship, new in laws, and a new baby. My heart has grown and slowly getting patched up. I am especially happy for the man I have now. He deals with everything I have gone through. He lets my built up anger get out and helps me when I calm down. It has been a long road loving my self and another but I am more than ready to continue growing and learning.
And just maybe continue talking about this and helping others.