It was just the beginning...

Not everyone can be strong... but there comes a time where a light bulb goes off in your head and you have to realize that maybe where you are isn't where you are suppose to be.

It was August 2017 when I had enough... online you would have thought I was head over heels happy. In person you probably thought the same because I kept quite for a long time. I believe that if you are strong enough to stay in a toxic relationship for a long time then you are strong enough to also leave one. I seemed strong, I honestly thought I was strong because I was staying in this relationship to keep my family together and keep my kids happy. I thought that was what I had to do. But I was so wrong.

How did it get to this point?

Honestly looking back at everything I blame myself. That is still a speed bump  I cannot get over. I'm not quite sure when it will happen but it is not easy. I was happy, well at least for awhile. Everything was good, what people would call the honeymoon stage. Maybe it was because we were young or maybe because we were never really alone but nothing could have prepared me to go through the worse problems with the person I had fallen in love with. 2014... that's when it all went downhill. Now I could have said times before that but I like to pass those off as being stupid young teenagers. 2014 was when I use to say "He tends to cheat on me because we don't hang out much but he loves me because he said so right". You can pass that off as stupid teenage drama but those clearly are the first signs of being in a Toxic Relationship. 

What Changed?

Like I said, we were happy. We talked about marriage, about starting a family, and even going to college together so what changed? I may have been the one to get cheated on but he was the one begging and crying that he loved me and didn't want me to leave. He would tell me horrible stories about his childhood that made me feel bad for him and kept me around. But I wasn't happy. I started to feel insecure, I hated that I couldn't keep him happy, I started blaming myself and made myself looking like to toxic one... not trusting him and looking though his phone. The cheating still happened, but I let that slide right. Then it escalated into screaming and name calling... and then it hit me... his hands. Not once but a few times and I remember the next day like it was today. I remember waking up with bruises on my arms, legs, and head. I remember him telling me he loved me and was sorry and getting me some tylenol, water and ice packs to help me feel better. I cried that night... but I stayed.

Night after night, replaying the fights in your head.

Thinking about it now it still hurts. I cannot tell anyone the amounts of fights that escalated into him putting his hands on me. I wasn't strong enough to leave for 3 years. There were times when we were apart but I always believe he could change and always ended up back with him. There were also times when I was the toxic one too, I had started to defend myself by becoming him. I would call him names, and tell him thing he hated to hear. That right there is where I also blame myself for everything that happened. But I wasn't strong enough to leave and be the better person. That was until I realized I had to do something better for my kids. I knew I had to get out. I knew it would hurt because you become used to that person you were with everyday. People tend to not want not want to leave the only person they have. We tend to let things slid because we have a fear of losing a companion. 

The aftermath.

To this day I have self love issues. I had been cheated on so many times that I had leared to hate my body. It's a struggle to look in the mirror and not notice all my flaws. One of my main issues is trusting another person. My man loves me dearly but there are days when my mind starts to wonder if he could do the thing my ex did to me and me not even notice. We hardly fight and when we do I freeze up scared it could be the same. He's nothing like my ex... but my brain can't help the way it thinks. 

But it's beautiful to move on and focus on loving yourself.

At this point in time I may not be able to lay out the details. I may not be able to talk about it much. Even typing it out seems so hard. But if you or anyone you know might be in a violent relationship you are free to reach out to me. I believe anyone can be strong enough to leave... you just sometimes need that help and having someone to talk to can help in a tremendous way.